This topic is not people who are easily offended, this section is here for people to post jokes that are close to the bone, and may not be of a suitable nature, basically anything goes here. So if you are easily offended, do not continue to read this topic.
-------------------------

I'll start it off then

I just heard the news Stephen Gately has died, what a bummer.

Did you know 99% of woman kiss with their eyes closed, thats why its so hard to identify rapists.

Whats worse than being raped? - Getting fingered by Captain Hook

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Whats big black and has 18 tits? - The bin bag outside the breast cancer clinic

I use flavored condoms as bait for fat girls

Im not a racist! racism is a crime and crime is for black people

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

How do you fix a woman's watch? - You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



So they buried Deirdre

Good to see Jacko dangling his kid off the balcony.
Usually he just tosses them off.

What does Jackson have in common with whisky?
They both come in small tots

Why did Michael Jackson phone Boyz-II-Men?
He thought it was a delivery service.

My mate called me a retard earlier.

I almost choked on my window.

this ones for you biz



To the tune of 'You are My Sunshine'

You are a scouser,
A filthy scouser,
You're only happy,
On giro day,

Your mum's out thieving,
Your dad's drug dealing,
So please don't take,
My hubcaps away.

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: 7 sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefuly. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: 7 sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I g ave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: 6 sir.

Teacher: Good. Now, if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: 7 sir!!!!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get 7 from?!?!?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fucking have one at home!

statistics like this can be misleading. the odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one. the odds against two bombs being on the same plane are a million time a million to one.
next time you fly, minimise the odds and take a bomb with you.

A 12 year old girl writes a letter to Jeremy Kyle;

Dear Jeremy;

I'm the only girl in my class that isn't pregnant. I'd like to appear on your show to find out whether its me or my brother whos infertile.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Blackpool win the premier league."
"You crafty cunt!" said the fairy.

To all those women who watch the football and shout "pass it to Frank" or "bring Joe Cole on;" fuck off. You didn't see me at Sex And The City 2 shouting "fuck her up the arse."

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

Dear Ghost that lives in my house, if you really want to scare me, try opening my bedroom door when I'm having a wank.

Did you know that diarrhoea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.

I think Al Qaeda made a huge mistake knocking down both Twin Towers. Just think how embarassing it would be only having one Twin Tower.